Good news: the time machine lost tomorrow was finally found in 1876
Dan awoke tied to a chair in a murky basement. A hooded figure stood in the darkest corner, toying with an array of well-maintained torture instruments. The figure turned round to reveal
1) she was a woman, and
2) she held a fiendishly twisted spike in her hand
She rotated the spike slowly until it caught and jabbed a sharp glint of light in Dan’s eyes. He screwed up his face in discomfort.
“This is going to hurt. A lot.” Sneered the hooded woman. “It’s a nasty way to die, the vocal cords snap first…” she said. “You see, I collect horror stories as screamed by my victims…”
Dan’s shoulders trembled. “Hehehe…”
“STOP laughing! Why are you laughing?”
“Because I collect fairytale endings,” said Dan.
And they all lived happily ever after
Occasionally, as a typical nuclear family, we’d all sit together round the periodic table. That’s when Father would be in his elements.
“Reopen the Humpty Dumpty case. Jack Horner did it!”
Police smash through JH’s door with a big red key, drag the little boy from the corner & confiscate his pie.
“Y’ got nothin’ on me,” says JH, showing his true colours: a hardened criminal disguised as a little boy.
“GUILTY” says the Judge before they even get to court.
The Magistrate thrusts a thumb in the pie, pulls out a plum, some eggshell & an ‘I did it’ note.
“The proof is in the pudding,” he says.
“This is a stitch-up!” complains JH.
Egg installation @Towner Gallery, Eastbourne
These are plaster eggs, not real
At times, the Universe blipped, reset itself. For the good. In one such ephemeral moment everything got funky, everyone felt better than James Brown. Everyone was James Brown. Got up. Stayed on the scene. Like a fax machine…
Like a sox machine…
The Universe wasn’t perfect
Daisy lovingly glued her favourite vase back together for the umpteenth time. Satisfied with her work, she returned it to the mantlepiece and went to fix supper. Left alone, the vase trembled, spun and flew across the room, where it hit the far wall.
The vase gave a shattered sigh, “Bloody poltergeist.”
Vases photo taken in the Helsinki Museum
Police now believe that Juliet tricked the love-sick Romeo into taking his own life by employing a dramatic Shakespearean misdirection plot-twist device, or a ruse by any other name
“How does your garden grow, Mary?”
“Oh, not so good these days. Kids stole the silver bells, smashed the cockle shells; and when Jack died, the council cut down the beanstalk.”
“Isn’t that a different nursery rhyme?”
(Sigh) “Oh, I don’t know. It’s difficult to keep up at my age”
Mis-ordered a new mattress:
got a mistress instead,
uncomfortable to sleep on.
Peter was an unloved child: impossible to cuddle, his body covered in thorns. That’s not natural, right? Psychiatrists said it was a defence mechanism but no one really knew for sure. He’s since been adopted by Maria, the cactus gardener, she’ll know how to look after him.